why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
