I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he was CRYING into my vagina
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
