White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
