I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
