just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
