if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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