why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
