No more Irish car bombs ever.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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