I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
you never un-have a 4some
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
