they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
