Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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