This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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