once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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