you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Oh god it's open bar.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize