I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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