I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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