So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
