before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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