I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
