You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
