All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
