dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
