I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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