Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
