This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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