She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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