i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
