My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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