I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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