We're facebook friends in real life
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
