I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
