I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
