I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
