hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
