U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
