I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
