we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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