Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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