Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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