I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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