If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
