I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
