Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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