Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
