the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize