Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
