fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize