i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
