I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have tasted many bathrooms
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
