I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
