You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize