don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
