picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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