He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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