y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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