I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize