it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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