During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize